Let’s get you squashed!

A lot of guys chalk my accomplishments in squashing up to luck. It’s a recurring theme that I encounter on a daily basis. No, seriously. Every. Single. Day.

That’s cute and all. But all they’re doing is letting themselves off the hook of responsibility. They can’t bear to accept the fact that they’re at fault for their squashing drought.  

Don’t be that guy!

Sure, I’m lucky to have been born. I’m lucky to live in the USA where obesity rates are sky high. I’m lucky to have my health… at least enough of it to tolerate a big woman pushing me with her weight. 

Beyond those common traits that most of us share, luck has very little to do with all this. Sure, if I got squashed one time… maybe it’d be lucky. Some fluke. But hundreds of times? Come on, man! That’s like watching the sun rise over that eastern horizon and calling it luck every single day. Some things happen for reasons that far transcend luck. 

I don’t really care what you think of me. I’m not in this for awards or pats on the back. It’s not about ego for me. Heck, I’ll be the first to admit that there are a number of producers and studios out there right now that are doing it better than me. I’m perfectly fine with that. Happy even, as all ships rise with the tide.  

Bringing up this luck card has nothing to do with getting respect. It boils down to this… 

I have a particular skill set that helps me make stuff come to life in the world of squashing. It’s part experience. It’s part personality. It’s part connections. It’s part resume and references. It’s part passion. It’s part framing of the act… the story.  

If you’re serious about experiencing this, let’s see if I can’t help you connect with a woman who’s local to you. Call it Squash Matchmaking if you will.  

I can’t guarantee success. But there’s as real a chance of it happening than any other you have.  

Now I’m not doing this for free. There’s a cost. But it’s a fair cost given the niche consulting that I’m offering. 

It’s not for everyone. 

1. You need to be at least 21.
2. You have to have money.
3. You have to speak English.
4. You have to be in the habit of showering and brushing your teeth.
5. You can’t be a mouth-breathing buffoon who thinks a dick pic is a good way to break the ice.
6. You have to be respectful and clean. 

Here’s how it works:

1. You fill out the form below.

2. I’ll review your responses and send you an email with some follow up questions.

3. If we’re a fit to work together, I’ll send you a PayPal link where you’ll submit payment up front.

4. I’ll coach you on exactly how to go about finding someone local to you – what websites to use, how to break the ice, how to explain squashing so it’s not creepy, etc.

5. Once you set out to practice my methods, you’ll stay in contact with me to keep me abreast of how it’s going. If you need advice on a certain aspect of the process – what to say in response to a particular email/message, a reference to vouch for you being a cool guy, a resource to step in and chat with the woman as well, etc… I’m here for you.

6. You get squashed… the most epic experience you’ll ever have. 

If you feel that this is for you, please complete the questionnaire below and let’s get started.